Addicted to 20mg of a Broken Heart

Acrylic paint on a 22.86cm x 30.48cm canvas, wrapped in plastic vinyl with paper sticker label.

Growing dependent on a person for one’s own happiness can be compared to a person growing dependent on a drug as a source of dopamine. Having struggled with bipolar disorder, before getting medicated I experiences times in which I pushed myself away from those around me, no matter how much I cared about them. I often was led to think of myself as having a broken heart, not in the sense of having been heartbroken, but rather as having a heart that was unable to love properly. As someone else grew more and more dependent on me as a source of their happiness, I was burdened by the knowledge that I might unwillingly let them down, frustrate them, or upset them with my previous cyclic mental states.

But this also goes both ways. Before medication, I had times in which I grew too dependent on the people I loved. If they had their own instabilities or damages to their heart and eventually pushed me away, I become consumed by it. Just like an addict quitting a drug, I got withdrawals from the source of dopamine I had become so dependent on.

In this painting, a damaged heart is depicted as burned and bandaged. It is encased in plastic with a pharmaceutical label on it, labeling it as a generic for Lexapro, a common antidepressant. A warning label cautions against the side affects and addictive tendencies that may arise from loving the damaged heart.

After my diagnosis I realized that there was nothing wrong with my heart and ability to love and that I could live a normal life loving those around me with the help of being medicated. This piece was created before I was able to come to this realization.